Relationships are about to change drastically, or maybe not at all. Please mentally transport yourself to 2021, the same as now, only different: iPhone 16 is out, and the all knowing technophobes expect it to be on sale shortly after Thanksgiving. The iPhone now has an upgraded 500 megapixel 3D camera with cross-fade truer than life stabilicortex, as well as full scale 22G adaptability (but only on Verizon). However, its most revolutionary feature is an app, from the most hated arch rival of all: Google Translate.
With the assistance of the more or less trusty Google Translate, The iPhone listens to your counterpart, and translates any language it hears, directly to your brain, on exactly the right wavelength, as if telepathically. In one magical swoop, you can now understand the words spoken to you and communicate with anyone in any language. Naturally, people still misunderstand each other or completely fail to listen, but that problem will only be solved with iPhone 28 in the year 2034 (please await future posts for an update). For communications equally faulty to today’s, the only language you’ll ever need is the one learned in infancy. That’s one small step for Apple, one giant leap for globalization
Obviously, Google Translate needs to be operational at all times, even if you actually understand the language spoken to you without its help. That brings us to the only minor little catch, and you will immediately agree that it’s a small price to pay for such a giant leap for mankind: Google has to support itself, so it transmits relevant ads, directly to your brain. In fact, the transmittal is so perfect that even the most accomplished, intelligent and perceptive individuals have difficulty distinguishing between the better made ads and their own thoughts. However, do not fear: following stringent regulation from the Chelsea Clinton administration, it is virtually guaranteed that Google will do no evil. Since Google Translate hears everything you hear (instantly transmitting the information to its high security, state of the art processing center in Pyongyang, North Korea), and knows exactly where you are, the ads can be genuinely useful. To fully grasp the magnificence of this future, utter a routine thought on a sizzling hot day, as your scalp bakes under a vengeful sun: “I’m thirsty!”. And before that thought is only half formed, another one will zoom straight into your mind, even clearer than the hazy thought that preceded it: there’s a Coca Cola fridge in a Seven Eleven store two doors down the block. The world is saved.
Random cute image from Yellowstone (nothing to do with post)
How does this have anything to do with relationships, you may ask? First and most obviously, the language barrier has disappeared – instead of the normal, pathetic selection of people that learned your language from childhood or stumble in it as adults, you now have 3.5 billion candidates for marriage, Chinese, French, Mongolian, or any other fantasy that ever occurred to you. Such an explosion of words and opportunity, and you can communicate with all these fine candidates for a fling, marriage or life long love as long as your battery doesn’t run out!
Second, your dating habits are about to change, drastically, revolutionizing dating as the microwave transformed cooking. Most of us will be loathe to admit it, so secretly imagine that you have signed up for a dating service, preferably a large and reputable one, like Google’s (acquired circa 2015). While you still have the option of stating your preferences (more often than not fooling yourself into what you think you should want), the Google dating service knows your preferences, almost as if it can read your mind (in any language it chooses). Even more importantly, it knows the preferences of almost everyone around you (so long as they are subscribed to Google Dating, which according to a recent poll now has a global market share of 84%). When you step onto a subway platform during evening rush hour and absent mindedly exchange fleeting glances with a reasonably attractive and well dressed girl or guy nearby that randomly catches your attention, your iPhone can save you from a dire and careless omission by flashing a blazing red heart shaped ad: 92% fit (!!!). Now that you’re aware of the life changing event about to fall onto your lap, you can confidently stride over to said love of your life (assuming no faulty algorithms on Google’s side), without worrying about awkward come-ons. Many picky girls won’t talk with anyone below 90%, but all you’ll need to do is stand in front of your future wife, and sweetly hum the magic words: ninety two!
Once you’re in a relationship, as always, it’s both easier and much more difficult. I omitted a critical fact: Microsoft has a competing Translate service, and Nokia phones are trendy again. The world is now full of couples that have signed up for opposing smartphone universes from Google and Microsoft, and are loyal to them with an almost religious fervor, resulting in a sort of famous Time Magazine virtual articblog: “Is the Historical Republican-Democrat Relationship Divide being Replaced by Google-Microsoft?” (Time, October 28, 2021, 6:48pm) . It might not sound like a major impediment, until you consider the practical implications.
Loving woman tightly hugs doting man, wraps her arms around him, looks into his misty eyes, and softly says: “I love you. Last night was the most romantic night I could ever imagine…. I’m sooooo tired! The only thing that could complete my wildest dreams to perfection is a cup of coffee now, sweet darling!”. Ad flashes in Sweet Darling Man’s brain: “Starbucks! At nearest corner”. Before he can gallantly offer her a nice, warm cup of Starbucks coffee, an sharply tuned ad flashes in the mind of the loving coffee hungry woman: “Seattle’s Best, half a block down”. Imagine the incessant arguing, fueled by dueling ads concocted by the most creative, fine tuned minds of Madison Avenue and Silicon Valley. Or maybe not: a woman hooked on Seattle’s Best through years of ads may be delighted and grateful to find through her lover that Starbucks offers a lovely pumpkin spice latte that she never even dreamed she liked, or vice versa. A loving couple with a solid foundation can overcome any difficulty (even Google Translate) and come out with a stronger relationship, similar to today, but different.
Just don’t forget to recharge your battery.
To prepare for the bright and challenging future visit: www.pretbridal.com
